And I don't mean just a glance-over-once-or-twice-when-you-think-they-aren't-looking or the extended gazes staring or the speaker on stage staring either. I mean like flat out gawking.
I'm still the same girl I was a week ago and 6 months ago. Practically the same girl. I mean, besides the IV, occasional weight yo-yos, hair cuts, drop of 2 feet, different eye liner color...wait. OH!- just struck my thesis head on. I just fell across it so artfully that you might have almost believed that I was thinking this and writing this as I go along, which I almost am incidentally.
I think it's not 'cause I'm Caucasian in a town of such a culture mix, I don't think it's because of my 'striking beauty'. I don't think it's 'cause of the way I talk or look or walk, which is why they SHOULD be staring, really, if at all. It's because I'm suddenly two heads shorter than the rest of them and I'm seeing eye to eye with toddlers. It's 'cause I'm sitting down and wheeling around. It's SO 'cause I'm in a wheelchair and that's so NOT the reason I wanted.
I walk...well no...let me rephrase that-> I get pushed around the supermarket and people straight up stop and stare. It's like some freaked out fire drill: stop, drop and roll. I can see their eye widen and I'm like 'what'? I want to turn around in my seat and then turn back and shrug my shoulders. But as most genius thoughts occur, they occur too late. But next time.
And the stares, it's not just people my own age...it's grown ups. I often wonder if they haven't seen a sick kid before. Honestly, you've got to wonder if they shut up disabled people here if someone genuinely hasn't seen someone in a wheelchair before.
Honestly! The nerve of some people! I feel like I aught to wear a sign and a mirror to deflect stares and questions. Its so awkward. It makes me so...aware shall we say...that I AM in a wheelchair. I didn't feel like that back home.
It is strange to be in a country you once called home and now feel like...feel...and now feel like something has changed for the worst and it's spoiled your memory. It's made me question how I viewed disabled people before this. They're just people, right? I mean what is the point of staring?
I should just wear bright purple and green leggings and a yellow jean skirt and put dreads in my hair and wear a coral tube top and a parka and I think they would stare less. Really...
I swear it's 'cause I've effortlessly manipulated people into pushing me around since I'm too lazy to walk. HA! -> as if. But hey, who am I to judge?
Hey, I doubt you remember me so I'll leave this anonymous, but I'm I go to GNS, I'm in grade 12 and I knew you by sight last year. Anyway, I just wanted to say you're writing is absolutely fantastic and I really admire you for your attitude and the courage and humour you manage to have and find. You're a truly remarkable person and it is regardless of your disease. I hope you continue fighting and I'll try and help you all the way from here in Victoria.
ReplyDeletehey nicole! it's been far too long that we haven't talked. you'll be happy...or interested...to know that they're finally starting to do something at school for you! in assembly today we had two guys from uvic do a presentation on lyme's disease and just from that i could tell they only scraped the top of it. i jsut found your site so expect me bk for more later on:P on thursday, for a fundraiser we're doing a DDR competition, one of the ones mentioned was mr jackson vs mrs jackson-that'll be interesting to see:P you've got a whole school, a whole communitie and communities behind you, you are not alone! i find it amazing how one person, one issue caan change your perspective and niki you're changing hundreds of perspective over here! i miss you so much i loved your blog.poem about what lyme's disease is and i want to put it in the gryphon for the christmas issue, would you be ok with that? i'll be keeping an eye out for you on msn. keep getting better, i know youll be home soon, ur in my prayers everynight. <3
ReplyDeleteHey Nicole!!
ReplyDeleteaww I miss you so much. I miss your friendly smiles in the hallways and your bouncy energy that always made me laugh. I truely hope that whatever blow Lyme throws at you, you will fight back 10x harder. you are an absolutly stunning, amazing person and I will keep you in my heart and mind all throughout your journey to health! haha im being such a sap, hope you dont mind!
love ya girl!
te amooo
-dobby
hi Nicole! it's Lisa! Lana is right! we're starting to do a ton of stuff for u at school! on nov. 15th we are hosting a fundrasier for u and ppl in our grade r throwing b-day parties and not asking to bring presents but instead bring $$$ for u! we've got tons more stuff planned cuz we want u back here happy and healthy and back to your normal self!
ReplyDeleteu are always in our thoughts! we talk about u at school a ton and sometimes we've started to cry just talking about u! u r a major part of our lives and we love u mucho!
come back but enjoy new haven! i hear the east coast is very pretty this time of year!
je t'aime!
~ Lisa (from Victoria, from GNS)