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Monday, September 29, 2008

Poolside Lessons

Isn't it just another day in paradise? I could hardly agree. Paradise is soo lost right now. Milton and I know only too well. 

Welcome to my today, tomorrow, now and yesterday.
Wake, eat, sleep, repeat. The rest of the details are a little shaky to say the least. Its rather odd living for the past 5 minutes. For me I'm still in June, practically sitting outside myself. Actually, yesterday (to me), I was in ER with a high fever, not knowing what I was sick with. I would expect to find the fresh IV and needle scars in my arm, but this is almost October not June, the warm summer has been traded for cool breezes, deepening red leaves, and the occasional temptation of warmth and humidity in the air. 

Not going to lie, but today is not exactly my best of days. It feels like a truck with endless tires ran me down with a vengeance. I feel like at least my ribs are cracked, or broken, but they're fine. My joints are SO swollen when I close my eyes, but on closer inspection they look normal. I know something is eating through me steadily, but have just not breached the surface. I feel almost positive that there will be nothing left in me for scans and tests 'cept a heart that is still trudging on. Everyone keeps urging it on with love and hope. I follow suit and eat hope for breakfast. And snacks. Frequent snacks. 

I'm not meaning to sound cold or whiny. I'm so fed up. And so let down. I am loosing more faith in the health institution day by day. A little more knowledge, a little less pride and some insane luck and I could be back home, visiting my friends when I wanted a cheer-up. Who knows if I would have been on my way to recovery a full 6 months or so ago had I been diagnosed. Who really knows? I'm not sure of anything. 

I would settle for a mundane existence right now. I want to go to the mall and drink bubble tea and laugh. I want the freedom to do what I will. I would settle for walking. I love these legs and they ain't working so hard no more. And I'm pissed. And so ready for a stroll through the park one day. 

Martin Luther King wrote in 1963 that "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." Where do I stand? I'm not exactly living it up, but standing in the murky waters of Lyme where it is both a challenge to live with and a controversy to be able to be treated to live without it. I live in a tidal pool of confusion, pulled across continents and into different medical offices and constantly swimming, not sinking. Good thing too, cause I'm not as good as I might be on surviving underwater. 

I swim. I swum. I'm swimming. I will be swimming. For a long time.

PS: Thank you to all those who throw me a lifesaver when I go overboard and fish me back out from the deep constantly. You pick me up selflessly and I don't deserve that kind of love. But know I love you more in return. Keep fishing. When I get better, I will swim with you. 

"What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well."
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery  ~

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