Each day I greet with a sigh of annoyance and frustration like everyone else. I don't have to get up to an alarm so that means that when I wake, the only person I generally have to blame is myself and somehow hitting a barren dressing table, searching for the snooze button doesn't help me fall deeper asleep for that stolen 20 minutes. Outside it's beautiful but to me it doesn't come through my window pane, it falls just short of where it should, like heavy expectations. Perhaps it appears that this would fit under my list of growing ironic curses, but I have come to believe (after it has been droned into my head thousands of times) that waking up in the morning, though it is a continuation of my suffering, it will lead to a better kind of end. The end of this disease. It will also lead to the stage of my life which I will call the "activist" stage. To make change I gotta get out of this hole first.
I am thankful for narcotics, and mothers and aunts to comfort you, I'm thankful for weather which always mixes up my day nicely. I am eternally grateful for ladders which continue to be lowered into the deeper and deeper holes that Lyme is burying me in. I know that later, as the pain becomes and dull ache and then a distant memory, I will be thankful for life. For the fact that I can sit by my window and watch the world fly by, that I can feel a wind lift me up and laughter shake my bones again.
Forgive the poeticism but this is the honest truth. I could never construct a lie about this when the truth is as beautiful as it is.
Beautiful things. That's another that makes it worth it. I'm looking out of angry eyes and a little color and life always brightens me up. In stores, I reach out for brightly colored things; coats, shirts, hair scrunchii's, pencil crayons, photographs...anything that catches my eye become the apple of it. I'm thankful for the 'God' or sweet technicolor-light-science which made this 'color' exist. I live for it. I breathe it. And makeup, in lurid colors. It makes me feel like I'm with my friend in a drugstore, browsing the isles, looking for new stuff or cool stuff on shopping trips to the downtown Victoria.
And my goodness, thank goodness for books! Its always nice to loose myself in someone else's mind and life for awhile and escape mine. And my am I glad to have some fun games around and wonderfully silly people to play them with.
But above all, I cling to one ideal, like so many others.
Not just my hope, which I am a little low on at the moment, but the loving, sweet warm glow of the hope of loved ones. It is the rock I cling to as I'm hanging off the cliff. It sounds cheesy but it is you guys, my friends and family who I laugh with (or at-its kind of a sketchy topic) and cry with and dance with and sing with and share most of my 'finest' moments with and live with and for. You have no idea how much I love and respect you. You define me. And keep me breathing. I am indebted to you. I never realized how much I value and rely on your love until now. I'm glad and most thankful for you guys. Thank you. What more can I say that hasn't been said a hundred times.
I think of you guys all the time. I see you everywhere. In everything. Its strange. You are timeless and have spread your love out so far, it reaches me here.
I am thankful.
It makes me want to wear fall colors and wax press big leaves and walk outside and feel the breeze in my hair.
But I have proved that thankfulness isn't just a onetime shot.
We shouldn't take care of the earth just on Earth Day, love solely on Valentines day, celebrate life just on a birthday and death on the Day of the Dead, make jokes only on April Fools and eat mini chocolates and be free on Halloween.
Everyday is a holiday. An adventure, both good and bad. And to me that is worth living for. Worth waking up and drifting off to sleep knowing that I have hope, and more things to be thankful for tomorrow.
I am so thankful.