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Monday, December 22, 2008

White Christmas?

The whole time I told everyone, "I'll be home for Christmas," and sang it, just like the song. I used to believe that I would be home. That I'd be tucking into turkey dinner at my house and opening presents under a wispy tree, like usual. Call me the eternal optimist, but I didn't think I'd be here now. I might actually like, no, love Connecticut, except for the circumstances. 

Today was so busy! I'm exhausted! I had to fast for ages, then we drove an hour to get an ultrasound. The snow is piled in places as tall as me! Crazy! No gallstones! Yes! Then I had to get blood work done and the dressing on my PICC line changed. We met these people at Dr. Jones' office and they are coming for dinner. Isn't this world a strange place? Disease apparently brings us together right? 

I'd be totally happy to crawl into bed and hibernate. On the radio they said it was zero-degrees-Fahrenheit (I spelled it so yah could get the FULL impact!) with the wind chill factor. Which means my body could actually go into hibernation mode without me even thinking about it. Shiver shiver! 

That song, "I'll be home for Christmas" so sad. The soldiers knew that they wouldn't be home for Christmas, or even home at all, but they still hoped. They still sang that lamenting melody we all know. And deep down I knew that I wouldn't be home for Christmas. I don't want to face that I'm sick, or just how sick I am. I will be home for Christmas, but only in my dreams. 


  1. Merry Christmas.

    I wish you the best holiday you can have given the circumstances.

  2. Merry Christmas Nicole! I love reading your blog; I admire you so much. I am thinking about you,
    Lots and lots of love

  3. Happy Boxing Day!
    I so wish you could have been home for Christmas.
    Thinking of you.
    Tia in Sooke

  4. Hi Nicole,

    I am so so sorry you didn't make it home for Christmas.
    I know it's tough to be away from home, I have not been ill as you are, and I haven't faced the frustration of willing my body to wellness as you do. But I have willed it for Daisy, and it was 5 days before Christmas that she had her bone marrow transplant. It sucked being away from home, having Christmas in an unfamiliar place. It felt like everyone around us was having Christmas but that we were just 'making the best of it'. It's funny how in our entire lives we see people less fortunate, but never imagine ourselves to be one of them - that Christmas we had Red Cross turkey dinner. Being less fortunate isn't always as described :-)

    I remember how you and your mom came into our room at Ronald MacDonald House, and took all of our Christmas cards and organized them in a display that made our room actually seem Christmassy. I remember how you made our room a place to celebrate Christmas even for a a few moments. We have never forgotten your kindness. Nicole, even if you do forget it - know that you have made a difference.

    I hope that you can find some moments in the love of others, in the concern and OPTIMISM of others - that you will be home next Christmas. You will be. You will never enjoy a Christmas quite as much as every single Christmas after this one. This Christmas, though full of many moments of sadness, perhaps...anger, probably, and just unfairness, will infact be the Christmas that makes every one ahead of you better than any you have experienced before.

    It's not always fair to get a perspective like this, but I can tell you I feel like we have an eduring secret each year in the opportunity to celebrate Christmas at home. We look forward to celebrating a dinner with you next year, as two families sharing the same secret.



  5. Hey Nicole!

    I just gotta say, i totally agree about the whole hibernation thing! humans SHOULD be hibernating in cold weather! i mean its completely natural, if we don't migrate south then we eat a ton and sleep! birds do it and bears do it and damn it if the birds and bears do it.... humans should too! forget school and work, just chill! don't freeze yourself and get all gross and sick! i swear the more i tried to go to school i just got sicker!

    anywhoooo.... yeah! HIBERNATION FOR THE NATION!!!!

    ~ Lisa