I have to have ultrasounds once a month! And blood draws every two weeks! Seriously, ever time they draw blood, I want to cry something like 'Do you know how much it cost to put all that stuff in me and you're just taking it out?' Honestly, with the combination of painkillers, antibiotics, and a shit-load of vitamins, they could SELL my blood for a premium price. If I gave blood, the person who got the transfusion would get a healthy amount of drugs...a 'lil boost.
I also had my dressings changed on my IV which is always nice 'cause it feels all clean and, you know, it always looks better when there isn't a little bit of dried blood caked around it. Nice, I know. I really am trying to work on my adjectives, so that when doctors or friends ask the classic 'how are you' or 'what is the problem today' or something else that I'd really rather not be asked, I have a wonderful arsenal of words, as to sound cold and totally pissed off that they asked. Not really, but sometimes I feel like that. I felt in the first few appointments, that they were honest to God trying to get blood out of a rock for all the words I could come up with. I thought I'd better practice in my mind so next time, I don't have to stumble through "bad" and "painful" or "icky" and really use some kick-ass words.
It comes to mind that, beyond the pain and general sick feelings, I feel deep down a sadness. That I'm here and you're there. That I'm stuck here and you're still there. And that this TOTALLY is taking an inordinate amount of time. This 'empty' feeling hits me often and makes me feel that I love you guys an infinite times the world over.
This feeling, of being lost, and stuck, and lonely, and sad, and overwhelmed, is by far, the deepest, worst, intolerable agony of all.